My son Owen turned sixteen and soon after got his learner's permit. He's a smart kid, with good reflexes, probably due to playing lacrosse goalie, so he's doing well learning with no apparent trepidation, which is why I feel I need to clue him in on some of the unexpected wackiness some drivers may present to him at any moment on the roads. In fact, this started some years earlier on a road trip in Maine. We had been in Vermont and were making our way far into Maine to go to our backwoods Paradise, when outside of Skowhegan we got stuck in a line of cars behind a slow driver. We were on a long, low upward grade with fields on each side; a two-lane, fairly narrow country route, and I noticed in my rear-view mirror two or three cars approaching from behind, moving fast. I got the impression they were traveling together. They reached the line and started weaving in and out of the line, passing cars via the oncoming left lane, making their way through the line up the low hill. A green minivan with New Jersey plates made a move to pass the slow lead car as it neared the summit of the grade. I said to Owen, who was in the back seat, "See that guy, what he's doing? That guy is nuts! He can't see if there's anything coming up over the other side." And then sure as shit came the perfect poetic justice for this dick move...a car popped up just over the hill in the left lane, and quickly darted off to the shoulder in a cloud of dust. It was a State Police cruiser! The cop spun around to pursue, pulled over the wrong car--we could see the stunned look on the woman's face as we passed her and the cop--then was off again as we reached the summit. Just after that there was a major fork and it looked like fifty-fifty if he would catch the guy or go the wrong way, but he got him! We saw that minivan pulled over a half mile down the way on our route. I would bet that guy spent the night in jail. You figure, speeding, unlawful passing, reckless driving, endangering the life of a police officer, being from New Jersey...yeah, maybe more than one night.
It was a thrill to see this all play out, and lucky nobody got hurt, but it could all have been avoided. I know, I know, slow drivers dig in and say "I'm going the speed limit!", but I believe that if you see a line of cars behind you, even though your Hall Monitor mentality tells you it's for their own good, just pull over for half a minute and let them all go by! Let them get a ticket (they probably won't), or get to their destination on time, or whatever, or this kind of roadway clusterfuck can happen. I bet a lot of slow drivers get rear-ended, and yes, I know it's the rear-ender that is at fault. I just also know instinctually that speed limits should really be more of a reference guideline than a set-in-stone rule, and that if you feel safe and in control, any speed within reason should be OK. I find it extremely difficult to drive 25 MPH even in a school zone because I feel less in control just with the distraction of making the effort to keep the speed down. But this matters little to Officer Friendly, revenue generator, who gave me a speeding ticket an hour later in Greenville for going 39 MPH.
Two examples of dipshit driving happened near me on the same day, probably noticed because I was not driving my own car and was being more vigilant. First case; I was driving through Portland on Route 66 in the left lane, when I noticed that there was a car behind me in the right lane just hanging in my blind spot. This went on for a good distance despite my subtle speed changes, and so I decided to take action. Keeping the car in my sight a best as I could, I switched on my right turn signal, then very quickly moved into the right lane so that I was just ahead of the dipshit, hoping that this maneuver would educate him as to what he was doing. I guess it didn't work, because he then switched to the left lane--and hung in my blind spot! A few hours later I was again on Route 66 but this time I was at the twin hills between East Pediddleville and Marlborough. As you begin climbing the long steep hill leading into Marlborough, there is a rather large sign that reads: "Slower Traffic Keep Right", and there is in fact a slow lane on the right side of the road. You guessed it, I was behind a slow driver in the LEFT lane. The guy wasn't getting the hint with me close behind him, wishing he would move over, so I began to consider passing him on the right. Just as I was about to go, I checked my side mirror to find a car whizzing up the right lane to pass me! Jesus, just fucking pull over, Grandpa!
Do you leave open spaces like I do so cars can merge, coming up to highway bottlenecks? You should. If everyone did, the bottlenecks would not occur. You won't do it.
As for highway driving, I tend to NOT drive much over the speed limit. One of my secret deepest fears is high-speed highway accidents. Once I was called for jury duty in New Haven and one of the other people waiting there for Voir Dir was a state trooper, and I overheard him say that he and his cohorts at the barracks referred to the section of I-95 between New Haven and Stamford as "The Metal Muncher" because of all the accidents. I avoid that road if at all possible. I frequently drive from Pediddleville to Bridgeport for my radio show, and I'll use the Merritt Parkway since it's more civilized and is also a more direct route for me. I don't remember if this happened on the Merritt or I-95, but when it happened for the first time right in front of me on the road, I was certain I was going to die...I'm talking about DickMove #1, shown in illustration #1.
You have to be a special kind of asshole daredevil to pull this move. You are cutting somebody off despite what could happen, just to exit the highway from the Left Lane! That it is so important for you to not miss the exit that you would endanger others is indicative of a Civilization in decline. Unfortunately since that time, it has happened so many times that I have become blase´about it when it happens, which is troubling to say the least. Who are these people that would do this? Are they afraid of being late for something and don't want to use the next exit and backtrack, (which would indicate to me that less deserving things than Life are valued)? Or are these people just adrenalin junkies or sociopaths, and get some kind of thrill out of terrifying strangers on the road? Special distiction goes to the unknown perpetrator of DickMove #2, which occurred right in front of me on The Metal Muncher, which is a three lane divided highway, where Mr. Nadsofsteel from the third (left) lane, cut me off in the center lane, then exited the highway a split second after a car in the right lane had been there. Threading the needle...
...and despite the impossibility of imagining myself attempting anything like this, I suppose some admiration for the Nerve might be appropriate, which doesn't disturb me as much as my taking the event that was my first witnessing of DickMove #2 as matter-of-factly as I did.
Obviously you are most safe on the highway when you have the road to yourself. It stands to reason that the more cars you have near you, the more likely you are to have a high-speed highway accident. In driving safety courses I have taken at work, they advocate "the Space Cushion", where you leave a four second gap using a fixed object and counting to set the distance of your space cushion. I noticed that cars on the highway, if manipulated correctly, will tend to group together. I tried using the space cushion technique not only in front of me, but behind. I fix the front space cushion behind the last car in a group, and keep this up until the cars that don"t pass me form the rear group, and there I am, all by myself in the middle. I try to keep both space cushions equidistant, and they can be maintained for surprisingly long distances through subtle speed changes and frequent use of the rear-view mirror. The last car in the front group likes it, the lead car in the rear group likes it, and I am Golden! The absolute best position to be in is behind a big truck--nobody wants to get in that space for very long, but at the distance of the space cushion the truck is not obstructing the view ahead. This is easy to maintain for as long as the truck is there. If I really actively use this technique I get to the point where I am manipulating the traffic flow to my own benefit. In fact I obsess about it. I also consider that in making myself safer, I am making others less safe, so there's that... King of the road, safe as can be.
